The Know and Show “Fix” for Relationships
- Nicole Jackson Walker EdD
- Sep 20, 2024
- 2 min read
A common dynamic that is at play for people who present with relationship challenges is something that I have coined as “KNOW and SHOW”.
In an avoidant partner, their anxiety makes it difficult for them to show their partner that they are loved.
In an ambivalent partner, their anxiety makes it difficult to know that they are loved by their partner.
For the avoidant this means that they can come across as distant or emotionless, yet when confronted about such is perplexed as to how their partner may perceive them as so. Internally they feel an abundance of love but have a natural resistance to showing it.
For the ambivalent this means that they can come across as needy of clingy to their partner, yet when confronted about such will focus on the lack of reciprocity they receive. They will assume their partner’s complaints are proof of their disinterest or care.
How can an avoidant partner show that they care?
How can an ambivalent partner know that they are loved?
Do both of these things have to occur in concert?
Often an ambivalent partner will complain that they can only know that they are loved once the avoidant partner begins to show it more.
This is false!
Often an avoidant partner will complain that their partner is insatiable and that they do show their love by being there consistently.
This too is false (or at least partly).
The avoidant partner often does not seek out their loved one. They often do not confide in them. They may not even share joyous emotions with them. In an extreme example, the avoidant partner does not pursue their loved one for physical intimacy and waits to be approached. This results in the ambivalent partner feeling undesired.
The anxious partner does not often understand the distinction that is to be made between desperation and care. While their partner may fall short of showing their care, often unless their partner feels a similar sense of desperation to their own, they do not perceive it as love.
If the avoidant partner is willing to initiate connection more often, or if the anxious partner is willing to recognize the difference between expression of care and actual care then each will report more satisfaction.
Where to start?
For more information or if this sounds anything like the struggle that you and your partner are having,
connect with me at:
For appointments:
732-948-2132
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