Whats Love Got to Do with it: Understanding the Difference Between Love and Attachment

Was Tina Turner right all along?  What does love really have to do with it?  Recently, I encountered a person who, without knowing too much about the science of attachment, proclaimed themselves to be insecurely attached and in need of therapy.  They found themselves struggling with an immense amount of anxiety whenever separated from their loved one, so much so that it was debilitating. There had recently been a breach in trust and this person’s response was to cling more tightly to their loved one.  The thought of losing them had become so intensely anxiety provoking that they became all that they could think of.  They repeatedly proclaimed, “I love them so much, I cannot lose them!”.  Is this love or something else?

Here are some ways to think about the difference between love and attachment insecurity:

1)    Love is others focused and attachment insecurity is you focused.  Attachment insecurity is based on your needs, love is focused on the needs of others.

2)    Attachment security is anxiety driven; love is not

3)    Attachment insecurities are repeated in most if not all important relationships; love can look different depending on whom you are referencing (romantic, platonic, etc.)

Helen Fisher((1) established relationship and attachment expert, has long examined the differences in lust, romantic love, and attachment and describes attachment’s purpose as that which enables sustained connection long after all of the chemicals of lust and love have dissipated.  Mary Ainsworth(2), a researcher and psychologist who studied how parent-child relationships impact people throughout the lifespan categorized the different attachment styles this way:

Securely attached people are people whose parental relationship was marked with responsiveness, who now feel a sense of safety about relationships.

Anxious-resistant people are people whose parental relationship was marked by a lack of responsiveness, who now feel a sense of distrust about relationships.  These people garner a sense of safety by clinging on to others.

Anxious-avoidant people are people whose parental relationship was marked by a lack of responsiveness, who now feel a sense of distrust about relationships.  These people garner a sense of safety by avoiding connecting with others.

This person whom I encountered appeared to be confusing love with their anxious resistant attachment style.  Here is how to know for sure:

1)    They confused discomfort with love because it is a familiar feeling, having recounted a longing for more connection in their childhood.

2)    They were attracted to a partner, because of familiarity who cannot give them what they need. One classic way we see this is when an anxious-avoidant and anxious-resistant persons develop a romantic relationship.

3)    The level of distress they would experience when there is conflict is far greater than what is warranted.  Typically, every conflict results in anxiety over abandonment.  They may do things like call over and over until they receive a connection with their partner.

So, what can be done to help this person?  Simply put, they can work to understand the ways that their attachment plays a part in their life.

1.      Fisher, Helen & Aron, Arthur & Mashek, Debra & Li, Haifang & Brown, Lucy. (2002). Defining the brain systems of lust, romantic attraction, and attachment. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 31, 413-419. Archives of sexual behavior. 31. 413-9. 10.1023/A:1019888024255.

2.      Ainsworth M.D., & Bell, S.M. (1970). Attachment, exploration, and separation: Illustrated by the behavior of one-year-olds in a strange situation. Child Development, 41(1), 49-67.